Finish #3: Late Night Sketches

So I thought I would try to apply some of the late-night TV sketches to Band-Aids and “finish”.  I tried Conan’s Celebrity Survey, Letterman’s Top 10, and Fallon’s Thank You notes and Pros and Cons except that these are nowhere near as funny.  Also, some aren’t related to “finish” except that I am now finished.

Celebrity Survey

These are supposed to be in groups of 3, but it won’t let me format it that way, so the “funny” ones are in bold.

Celebrities were asked what they do when they are finished with a Band-Aid.

  1. Kelly Ripa said, “I just throw it away”.
  2. Will Smith said “I remove it quickly”.
  3. Bernie Madoff said, “I rip it off, like I do everybody”.
  1. Mila Kunis said, “I don’t really use them that much”.
  2. Paul Rudd said, “I throw it away and a minute later my kids need a new one”.
  3. Jay Leno said, “I take it off, put on a new one for a few hours and then take that one off, throw it away, and put the old one back on”.
  1. Tina Fey said, “We use a lot of Band-Aids, so I usually have to buy more”.
  2. Jesse Eisenberg said, “I don’t get too many cuts, really”.
  3. Mel Gibson said, “I look to see if my cut’s gone like my career’s gone”
  1. David Duchovny said, “Probably put on a new one if I still need it”.
  2. Kristen Bell said, “Tear it off quick, ’cause it might hurt”.
  3. James Franco said, “If it’s bloody, I put it in my pile of used bandages I’ll use for an art project”.

Thank You Band-Aids,

  • I was finished with those hairs anyway.
  • For healing my cut faster than how “The Paul Reiser Show” was canceled.
  • For helping heal me instead of saying “quit your whining” like some people.
  • For being more reliable than the odds of there being another “Fast and Furious” movie.
  • For only coming in tan, that must please Klan members.
  • For coming in multiple sizes to fit Kirstie Alley’s ever fluctuating size.
  • For being like a SARS mask for my cut.
  • For covering up my cut.  If only you could do the same to Donald Trump’s face.
  • For always being there, like the Regis of medical supplies.
  • For being on more men than Madonna has.
  • For being just as comfortable to wear as The Snuggie.

Pros and Cons

  1. Pro: your cut’s healed. Con: You can’t ask the ladies to kiss it and make it better anymore.
  2. Pro: You can go back to doing what you love.  Con: What you love is extreme ironing.
  3. Pro: They’re available everywhere. Con: You’re afraid of the outdoors.
  4. Pro: They’re easy to use.  Con: That GPS system was also “easy to use”.
  5. Pro: They keep bacteria out.  Con: They keep sunlight out, massive tan lines.
  6. Pro: You used them when you were little.  Con: You have Benjamin Button Disease.
  7. Pro: Your mom always has a box at her house.  Con: Her house was featured on A&E’s “Hoarders”.
  8. Pro: They’re affordable.  Con: All you have is an old two dollar bill and a Barry Bond’s trading card.
  9. Pro: They’re tan to match your skin.  Con: You’re not white.
  10. Pro: They’re flexible so you can move around.  Con: The only moving you do is reaching for the remote and pizza.

Top 10 signs you’re finished with your Band-Aid:

  1. It’s fused to your skin.
  2. You don’t remember what it’s for.
  3. It’s turned bloody red.
  4. You check the box to see that it was made in 1982.
  5. You’re wearing Band-Aids with cartoons and you’re 32 years-old.
  6. Your mom tells you to change it.
  7. Your cut’s gone.
  8. You’ve worn it since the series premiere of American Idol.
  9. Donald Trump fires it.
  10. Lindsay Lohan steals it.
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